codependency – FEEL DIFFERENT

THERE IS OFTEN A ROOT OF ANXIETY, DISTRUST AND FEAR OF LOSING

Losing can refer to an opportunity, a career advancement, or a relationship, among various other things.
In the controller’s mind, they can’t afford to allow anyone else to lead the way because that person could very well mess it up and fail completely. This is where the constant control and related behavior tends to stem from in many cases. Controlling types are rarely good team players as they have deep trust issues.

This is where much of the domineering type of controller comes into play. The cliche “mean boss” personality who uses their proclaimed authority to intimidate and control by fear. This can also be seen in unhealthy relationships where one of the partners is domineering and controlling. From the outside, it is clear that this is the behavior of a weak person. A person with low self-esteem, and with little trust in themselves or their abilities so they put the other person down to compensate for their lack of self-value and confidence. It can be someone who sees other people as a threat and is in constant competition with themself and others. Trying to convince themself that they are the dominant one in the room. This person is acting out of fear, insecurity, and often envy.

WHAT CAN YOU DO IF YOU’RE AT THE RECEIVING END OF THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR?

As one fundamental rule of life goes, we attract what we are. And this isn’t always directly clear, conscious or literal. But it is an absolute rule of life. And it usually means we’ve got work to do. When you look at your life and see certain negative patterns, it is your inner wisdom telling you that you’ve got to confront the situation and solve it so as to not continue repeating it.

For you, even if you don’t have a domineering bone in your body or any obsessions with control, it can very well mean you’re on the other side of this type of relationship which is something you need to be mindful of and start working through as soon as possible to avoid letting it continue.

If you have a toxic person in your life and you let them treat you as such, it can be assumed that you have invited that behavior into your life one way or another. This could mean you have an issue with standing up for yourself, for not speaking up when you see something wrong, or not leaving a situation when it has become detrimental to you.

At its core, this purely stems from low self-esteem. To free yourself of the situation, you need to strengthen yourself with real courage and confidence to do so. Directly confronting the situation and speaking up for yourself is taking back the power the other person seems to have over you.

This is challenging and can be extremely uncomfortable but it’s mandatory in drawing the line between yourself and the situation. SET BOUNDARIES.

The first and most important step is to take a deep look inward and ask – am I truly valuing myself? Am I living as my best self right now? Does this person really respect me?

If the answer is no or if there is any uncertainty around these questions, you need to urgently check yourself and understand that, though you may be hurting or confused, there is a way out. And the sooner you confront it, the sooner you’ll be free.

Your self-esteem is your empowerment. This is the grounding of your confidence and will enable you to power through this situation and take control over your life.

Our mission and our work at FEEL DIFFERENT is to help you regain your confidence and reclaim your life. To live as your best, truest self. To ignite your passion, live with purpose and become one with your individual power.

To learn more, visit our programs page and fill out a quick assessment to explore which of our programs will be best for you

Respectfully,
Orlando Owen

Strong relationships require strong individuals.

Strong women and strong men, together, form strong relationships.

You cannot rely on your partner to make you happy, to take care of your every need. Furthermore, you are not solely responsible for your partner’s happiness. You cannot bear every burden for your partner and you cannot sacrifice your own happiness for what you believe a relationship to be.

You might say: “But this is what love is all about.”

To which I would respond: “Actually, this is what codependency is all about.”

If you sacrifice your personal life and all of your own individual needs for your partner, with the expectancy that this will make the relationship stronger and more “real,” you are not being realistic or fair to yourself or your partner. It is actually selfish and controlling to single handedly take everything upon yourself with the notion that it’s all for your partner, for the relationship.

Relationships are about sharing, understanding, and communicating with transparency. With both people working together to create the bond and share the relationship in a balanced way, as equally as possible.

Codependency, on the contrary, is more often characterized by one-sidedness, relationship addiction/attachment, fear of abandonment and self-detachment. Often with deep roots in shame, guilt, unawareness, and abuse.

Codependency is not love. It’s not healthy. It’s damaging to both people in the end.

So, why do people stay in unhealthy, codependent relationships?

Why don’t they communicate properly?

Why don’t they express their wants and their needs?

The short answer is: low self-esteem.

Codependent relationships often stem from a person who believes they need someone else to complete them. That life is not meaningful without a significant other.

This is a skewed view of what life is, and what the value of what a true loving relationship can be. A person must value themselves and learn to love themselves before they can truly love another and share a healthy, balanced relationship.

A person with low self-esteem may find themself in a relationship where they do not have the confidence to ask for what they want from their partner. They may feel unworthy to the point of incapable of this type of communication.

As a codependent, you might think: “no one will listen to me anyway. It doesn’t matter what I want.” Or “I don’t want to offend anyone by asking for something.”

Or, the type of codependent who doesn’t feel worthy unless they’re constantly “proving” themselves as a valuable partner – may think to themselves: “I wish my partner understood how much I give them. I hope they know how much I love them, and hope they recognize everything I do for them.”

This is clearly unfair to the partner of the codependent as they are typically in the dark here, not having much insight as to what their partner is thinking or feeling. This can be a breeding ground for miscommunication, self pity, displaced anger and deep resentment.

The hard lesson is, you cannot change your partner. You can only change yourself. And this is where you, as a codependent, need to focus your awareness and energy.

To be able to connect to your partner in a meaningful way and create a strong and nurturing relationship, you need to start building up your self-esteem. Start holding yourself accountable for how you treat yourself in a relationship and to set clear boundaries.

You need to find your purpose – this will lead you to a place of passion where you can start to reclaim your power and inner strength.

To make yourself the most important person in your life.

This is essential, as any relationship you invest yourself in will serve as a living reflection of the degree in which you love and value yourself.

Only then, when you have come to love yourself and respect your value as an individual, will you be able to build and share meaningful relationships that enrich your life. For you can never depend on someone else to make you happy and whole. It begins with you, and only you.

Start today by learning to build a healthy relationship with yourself.

We can help.