love is – FEEL DIFFERENT

Strong relationships require strong individuals.

Strong women and strong men, together, form strong relationships.

You cannot rely on your partner to make you happy, to take care of your every need. Furthermore, you are not solely responsible for your partner’s happiness. You cannot bear every burden for your partner and you cannot sacrifice your own happiness for what you believe a relationship to be.

You might say: “But this is what love is all about.”

To which I would respond: “Actually, this is what codependency is all about.”

If you sacrifice your personal life and all of your own individual needs for your partner, with the expectancy that this will make the relationship stronger and more “real,” you are not being realistic or fair to yourself or your partner. It is actually selfish and controlling to single handedly take everything upon yourself with the notion that it’s all for your partner, for the relationship.

Relationships are about sharing, understanding, and communicating with transparency. With both people working together to create the bond and share the relationship in a balanced way, as equally as possible.

Codependency, on the contrary, is more often characterized by one-sidedness, relationship addiction/attachment, fear of abandonment and self-detachment. Often with deep roots in shame, guilt, unawareness, and abuse.

Codependency is not love. It’s not healthy. It’s damaging to both people in the end.

So, why do people stay in unhealthy, codependent relationships?

Why don’t they communicate properly?

Why don’t they express their wants and their needs?

The short answer is: low self-esteem.

Codependent relationships often stem from a person who believes they need someone else to complete them. That life is not meaningful without a significant other.

This is a skewed view of what life is, and what the value of what a true loving relationship can be. A person must value themselves and learn to love themselves before they can truly love another and share a healthy, balanced relationship.

A person with low self-esteem may find themself in a relationship where they do not have the confidence to ask for what they want from their partner. They may feel unworthy to the point of incapable of this type of communication.

As a codependent, you might think: “no one will listen to me anyway. It doesn’t matter what I want.” Or “I don’t want to offend anyone by asking for something.”

Or, the type of codependent who doesn’t feel worthy unless they’re constantly “proving” themselves as a valuable partner – may think to themselves: “I wish my partner understood how much I give them. I hope they know how much I love them, and hope they recognize everything I do for them.”

This is clearly unfair to the partner of the codependent as they are typically in the dark here, not having much insight as to what their partner is thinking or feeling. This can be a breeding ground for miscommunication, self pity, displaced anger and deep resentment.

The hard lesson is, you cannot change your partner. You can only change yourself. And this is where you, as a codependent, need to focus your awareness and energy.

To be able to connect to your partner in a meaningful way and create a strong and nurturing relationship, you need to start building up your self-esteem. Start holding yourself accountable for how you treat yourself in a relationship and to set clear boundaries.

You need to find your purpose – this will lead you to a place of passion where you can start to reclaim your power and inner strength.

To make yourself the most important person in your life.

This is essential, as any relationship you invest yourself in will serve as a living reflection of the degree in which you love and value yourself.

Only then, when you have come to love yourself and respect your value as an individual, will you be able to build and share meaningful relationships that enrich your life. For you can never depend on someone else to make you happy and whole. It begins with you, and only you.

Start today by learning to build a healthy relationship with yourself.

We can help.

So what can you do to keep your relationship healthy and strong through the pandemic?

The foundation for a healthy and happy relationship is self-esteem. Strong men and strong women form strong relationships.

Your mental health, and by extension your self-esteem, will be one of the first things that are challenged during a pandemic.

The feeling of being “stuck” at home, frustrated by the limiting circumstances, restrictive rules and the uncertainty of it all, our inner strengths and core selves are bound to be out of balance unless we maintain a grounded foundation of self-esteem and focused perspective.

Patterns directed to the outside world as well as directed to your inner world, meaning your thoughts and feelings and/or your actions towards your partner, should be as clear and intentional as possible.

It’s easy to act out your frustration on your partner. Getting angry with him or her over insignificant differences or projections, can turn into a damaging pattern if you do not recognize and put it to a stop.

Pent up anger and negative feelings can explode into destructive fights and arguments that can cause long term harm to your relationship if you are not careful. It is in these situations of extreme discomfort and challenge that our relationships are tested the most.

One important practice to keep constant in your relationship during a pandemic is to concentrate – not on your partner or your relationship itself – but on your mental health and your self-esteem.

If you’re feeling anxious or depressed, occupied with worries, fears and negative thoughts, you won’t be able to support your partner through these hard times. You cannot put the burden of your struggles wholly on your partner, as your partner is likely struggling as well.

It is best to keep a regular exercise of self-reflection and inner diagnosis at signs of frustration, anger and discomfort. If you feel any of the above starting to occur, it is best to step back and look inward to find the root of what is happening inside. In many cases, we project our frustrations onto our partners because we are ill equipped to take the responsibility of working through the pain of the moment, so it manifests into an argument or a bickering match of little to no significance. These types of occurrences tend to continue to happen until we do the work of looking inward and dissecting our issue(s) rather than reacting.

Learning how to overcome your mental struggles and manage your own mental health is responsible and empowering. It allows you and your partner to lead a strong and bonding relationship through the pandemic, as well as through other challenging circumstances. The ability to stand together and support each other as a couple is a powerful force to continually nurture and maintain.

As they say, relationships are work, but when they do work and they are healthy and strong, outside circumstances stand little to no chance of harming them through even the toughest battles.

This pandemic has been a challenging battle to say the least. Many couples have broken apart, and divorce rates have increased significantly. Depression, anxiety, insecurity and panic have all been commonplace since the pandemic began and they continue to increase. Your relationship is being thoroughly tested and is at stake of bonding or breaking. This is where you and your partner need each other most.

To support and strengthen each other and your relationship requires a great deal of self-strength, self-support and self-management.

There are many practical ways you can start managing your mental health and nurturing your inner strength, your passion and your purpose that will lead you and your partner through this pandemic.

Part of my e-book “Lose Your Story, Live Your Life” is instilling basic principles and actionable practices to help you guide through this.

Get your free copy now by clicking here.