Tag: relationships

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Breaking the control of the controlling type

Controlling types are common in our society. They’re also a dynamic type as behaviors can range from harmless nitpicking perfectionists to narcissistic know-it-alls to domineering bullies to outright abusers.

With toxic men and women becoming an everyday topic in our culture, there are many controlling types that fall into this category and it is important that we do our best to spot them, understand the causes and learn how we can protect ourselves from any potential issues.

Because of the wide range of severity between controlling types, the cause for such behavior can range in depth as well, but there are some general roots.

THERE IS OFTEN A ROOT OF ANXIETY, DISTRUST AND FEAR OF LOSING

Losing can refer to an opportunity, a career advancement, or a relationship, among various other things.
In the controller’s mind, they can’t afford to allow anyone else to lead the way because that person could very well mess it up and fail completely. This is where the constant control and related behavior tends to stem from in many cases. Controlling types are rarely good team players as they have deep trust issues.

This is where much of the domineering type of controller comes into play. The cliche “mean boss” personality who uses their proclaimed authority to intimidate and control by fear. This can also be seen in unhealthy relationships where one of the partners is domineering and controlling. From the outside, it is clear that this is the behavior of a weak person. A person with low self-esteem, and with little trust in themselves or their abilities so they put the other person down to compensate for their lack of self-value and confidence. It can be someone who sees other people as a threat and is in constant competition with themself and others. Trying to convince themself that they are the dominant one in the room. This person is acting out of fear, insecurity, and often envy.

WHAT CAN YOU DO IF YOU’RE AT THE RECEIVING END OF THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR?

As one fundamental rule of life goes, we attract what we are. And this isn’t always directly clear, conscious or literal. But it is an absolute rule of life. And it usually means we’ve got work to do. When you look at your life and see certain negative patterns, it is your inner wisdom telling you that you’ve got to confront the situation and solve it so as to not continue repeating it.

For you, even if you don’t have a domineering bone in your body or any obsessions with control, it can very well mean you’re on the other side of this type of relationship which is something you need to be mindful of and start working through as soon as possible to avoid letting it continue.

If you have a toxic person in your life and you let them treat you as such, it can be assumed that you have invited that behavior into your life one way or another. This could mean you have an issue with standing up for yourself, for not speaking up when you see something wrong, or not leaving a situation when it has become detrimental to you.

At its core, this purely stems from low self-esteem. To free yourself of the situation, you need to strengthen yourself with real courage and confidence to do so. Directly confronting the situation and speaking up for yourself is taking back the power the other person seems to have over you.

This is challenging and can be extremely uncomfortable but it’s mandatory in drawing the line between yourself and the situation. SET BOUNDARIES.

The first and most important step is to take a deep look inward and ask – am I truly valuing myself? Am I living as my best self right now? Does this person really respect me?

If the answer is no or if there is any uncertainty around these questions, you need to urgently check yourself and understand that, though you may be hurting or confused, there is a way out. And the sooner you confront it, the sooner you’ll be free.

Your self-esteem is your empowerment. This is the grounding of your confidence and will enable you to power through this situation and take control over your life.

Our mission and our work at FEEL DIFFERENT is to help you regain your confidence and reclaim your life. To live as your best, truest self. To ignite your passion, live with purpose and become one with your individual power.

To learn more, visit our programs page and fill out a quick assessment to explore which of our programs will be best for you

Respectfully,
Orlando Owen

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Preserve your Power – Relationships and Masculinity

To build and sustain meaningful relationships as a man, especially romantic ones, you need to know how to stay grounded in your personal masculine power.

Because what keeps a relationship alive is the active balance between masculinity and femininity. Strong men and strong women form strong relationships.

For you to stay in your own masculine power, you need to understand when you are not in your power. You may need to ask yourself questions, such as the following.

  • What is taking you out of your element?
  • What are you or your partner doing that is weakening your grounding?
  • What does it mean to give your power away as a man?

To avoid unnecessary conflict or even risk losing your relationship, understanding the above is essential.

Talking about masculine power, at least in recent times, many men are confronted with the accusation of being toxic. We’ve covered this topic in a different article , but let me tell you this:

TRUE AUTHENTIC MASCULINITY IS EVERYTHING BUT TOXIC. 

It’s part of the modern narrative to shun men for who they are and many rightfully suspect this to be part of a larger gradual agenda to destroy real relationships between men and women, and ultimately dismantle the family unit.

For a relationship to thrive you need a healthy balance of both.

A man, surefooted in his masculinity and a woman, settling in her femininity. Any other dynamic will face serious challenges and is destined to fail. Time and time again, we see it, and personally, I’ve been there many times myself.

I’ve given my power away for years as what I deemed to be sacrificing for my love, and each time was a painfully repeated lesson until I learned what was ultimately a harsh and undeniable truth.

AS A MAN, YOUR MASCULINITY IS FOUNDATIONAL TO ALL OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS, ESPECIALLY THE ONE WITH YOURSELF.

To surrender this or downplay it for anyone, is to devalue your inherent power.

But what does it mean to “give your power away” as a man?

One of the most common examples of this can be seen in frequent acts of self-censorship and overly filtering thoughts, words and actions. Men who do this regularly are not being true to their values or virtues, typically out of fear of being ostracized or not fitting in. Men who constantly censor themselves or alter their opinions so as to not offend other people, especially women, are in turn giving their power away.

Not only does this result in a loss of respect from their partner, their peers, friends and/or family, this does long term internal damage as a loss of self-respect and dignity which can haunt through a lifetime and cause real trauma. As minor as this may seem, a simple compromise of truth or an occasional white lie, it is a habit of dishonesty to oneself and can easily become a learned character flaw if unchecked.

Seeking the approval of women or other men is also a huge red flag. Being in your personal power means standing strong and firm in your own truth, regardless of who’s around.

A true man does not care about being liked or disliked. He leads the way of his calling, his designated path whether others follow or not. He does not seek permission to do what he understands to be the right thing. He just does.

Men being labeled as toxically masculine comes from the misconception that they are disrespectful and reckless, the oblivious alpha bully, disregarding other people’s needs and overstepping their boundaries left and right.

But being secure in your masculinity means you are in control, you’re composed and calmly confident. There is no need to impress others or intimidate them.

You know yourself, your strengths and weaknesses, and function within them accordingly, as well as show respect for other people’s boundaries and personal space.

Losing composure, overstepping boundaries and flexing aggressively intimidating behavior are all signs of a weak, insecure man. A man who is not connected to his true power and therefore tries to compensate by overpowering others.

A MAN CONNECTED TO HIS POWER FEELS NO NEED TO INTIMIDATE OR DOMINATE.

But as long as you’re giving your power away and disconnected from who you really are, you’ll likely fall into this behavior by default, even if you don’t intend to do so. Or, another common behavior is to cower and hide from the world, afraid of what others may think of you.

Don’t you think it’s time to connect to your true power?

To find out what masculine power really means and how you can connect, or reconnect, to it?

If this speaks to you, check out our program page and take this brief assessment to see if our MASCULINE POWER program is right for you.

I’m looking forward to hearing from you.

If you’d like to reach me personally, don’t hesitate to contact me at [email protected]

So long,

Orlando Owen

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Have relationships lost their value?

Have relationships lost their value?

And are we better off without?

With current divorce rates higher than ever, people becoming more and more non-committal, our friendships resorted to a text or a social media “like,” and the majority of online dating now being gamified to the point of casual sex at best.

This seems to be the direction we’re going if we haven’t already arrived.

REAL RELATIONSHIPS TAKE EFFORT

Is this the problem? Does the reward outweigh the work?

It takes real effort to build substantial relationships. You need to fully participate and actually put yourself out there. You need to share yourself. What you think, feel, observe, listen to, watch, what makes you tick – all of this is important.
And sharing it with those you care about, or seek to build a connection with, is part of the exchange. It requires honesty and vulnerability. Sure, it may be easier and more comfortable to type out your feelings and thoughts, edit them to perfection, and then send them off via text to your friend, or your potential love interest. And this is everyday communication. But to build a deeper bond, a meaningful connection with someone, you must allow yourself to BE. To be YOURSELF. And to be ok with sharing your real thoughts and feelings, in real time, with another individual while they share theirs with you.

There is a true magic and invaluable beauty that shines through these moments of genuine sharing. A strong force of energy and chemistry can spark between two people during the experience. This is what we hope to find when putting ourselves out there with a potential partner, as well as with friends and associates.

By doing so, however, you are making yourself vulnerable which can be scary in that you may be faced with a situation that brings up your insecurities and self-doubts. It may trigger a fear of being inadequate. Of not being good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, funny enough, strong enough, etc. Not enough – period. The fear of possibly being uninteresting to them, a turn off, or simply not being worth their time or company.

This can be frightening if you’re not in a balanced emotional state or mindset.

But the truth is, to build any meaningful connection with anyone, you need to be yourself. You need to be honest and present with yourself and the other person. It is an energy exchange that requires truth and attention.

The more you give, if the connection is right and genuine, the more you will receive.

And even if it happens to be a mismatch. A person that you just don’t click with or end up sharing a connection with that you desire. By you being your true and honest self, this will more quickly determine the outcome. The more you approach any potential relationship as yourself, the more you strip away much of the unnecessary “acting” and deciphering what’s real and what’s not. This helps you both in getting to the point of whether you actually want to build something with this person or not, and vice-versa.

There may be moments of discomfort in this but it’s much better and requires much less time and energy than putting on an act of “your best self” until you can’t any longer, only to discover that you aren’t even interested in pursuing a potential relationship with this person.

HOW CAN YOU CONNECT WITH ANOTHER PERSON IF YOU’RE RARELY CONNECTED WITH YOURSELF?

Presence is everything, and many people are anywhere and everywhere but here and now. Our fast-paced rush culture and omnipresent virtual lifestyle makes it harder for us to stay connected to ourselves. We’re rushing from one place to the other, from one relationship to the next, with no time to reflect on us, on what we truly want and need.

The deeper the disconnect with yourself, the harder it is to connect to other people.

Connecting with yourself isn’t easy and shouldn’t be put on the backburner as something you’ll do when you can spare some time. It takes consistent effort and honest work. It means self-examining, facing your fears, doubts, insecurities and imperfections. Analyzing your life, past and present, to help enrich your current relationship with you, as well as with others.

Without this inner presence of being connected to your true self, your ability to build and sustain any substantial relationships will be limited at best. This applies to romantic relationships, friendships, as well as business relations.

If you want to discover how to actively build more meaningful relationships in the future and strengthen your existing ones, visit our program section and see if it’s the right fit for you.

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Masculine Power vs. Feminine Power

At their core, masculine power is very different from feminine power.

However, society will lead us to believe there is only one kind of power – the masculine. In a historical leadership context, this may hold truth as the majority of leaders have indeed been men. The interpretation here could be that a woman must learn to become strong like a man, or masculine, to succeed, to lead, to be taken seriously in life, and to become powerful.

The opposite is actually true. Our image of what being masculine or feminine is, has become distorted by false imagery and agenda driven propaganda to the point of mass confusion. It’s understandable that our perception is unclear as to what masculine power and feminine power is and how they differ, but this doesn’t make it acceptable.

Our stereotypical viewpoint of being feminine as a woman, for example, is associated with being submissive, timid, weak, conditioned to be nice, tame and proper.

On the contrary, the real strength of a woman lies in her feminine power which is completely disarming through grace, composure, and strong will.

A feminine woman is independent and strong, connected to her truth, relaxed in her being, and confident in her purpose.

She knows her self-worth, is unwavering in her word and follows her immutable intuition to help lead her through her life’s path.

A man that is connected to his masculine power has a strong sense of his reality, stands behind his principles, and has a clear purpose in life.

He knows his path and will follow his purpose, with or without a crowd to support him. He is a true alpha. A leader of his own destiny.

A domineering man, on the other hand, is almost the exact opposite of a true alpha. He is insecure and disconnected from his true source of power, therefore he needs a crowd of others around him for constant support, ego boosts, and he typically insults others to feel superior. This energy is destructive and in no way reflects authentic masculine power.

One way to test and measure the levels of authentic masculine power and feminine power is to observe one’s romantic relationship. If the woman plays more of the dominant role in the relationship, there is a good chance of imbalance whereas she is stripping her man of his masculine power, thus leading him to be the submissive one in the relationship. The roles are reversed in terms of a traditional dynamic where the man is generally the dominant and the woman is the submissive.

The same applies for men who give away all of their power in their relationship. If the man is constantly trying to appease his woman, putting her and her needs above his own, and making her the center of his entire life, he’s living in a codependent energy. He’s playing the feminine which puts her in position to lead as the masculine energy in the relationship.

To be clear about the above examples, there is naturally a varying balance between both. It’s rare in any substantial relationship where one completely dominates and the other completely submits in every aspect of their relationship. The examples are to help differentiate between true masculine power and authentic feminine power.

In conclusion, no one in either scenario is connected to their own inherent power, masculine or feminine. Relationships like these are operating from an unnatural root and most commonly fail and destruct quickly, or only sustain to become codependent or abusive.

If you want to connect to your personal power and live in your greater purpose – men, you must learn to connect to your masculine energy – and women, you must learn to connect to your feminine energy. It’s inherent and it’s imperative.

THERE IS NOTHING EVOLVED OR PROGRESSIVE ABOUT DISMISSING YOUR MASCULINE OR FEMININE POWER.

Learn to embrace it, nurture, and share it with your loved ones and the world around you. Start living life as your true, authentic self.

Contact us today to learn more about our programs on Masculine Power and Feminine Power. Email [email protected] and type “Masculine Power” and/or “Feminine Power” in the subject line.

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Strong Relationships Require Strong Individuals

Observing relationships in today’s society, you’ll notice a common theme: a lack of fulfillment and true happiness. Breakups and separations are everyday, and divorce rates continue to skyrocket.

With a simple online search, you’ll find tons of relationship advice and tips on how to improve your relationship. But the real issues are not being addressed.

It’s rarely about what you do or don’t do, or how you treat your partner.

Your actions and thoughts are mere symptoms of much deeper issues.

It’s about who you are and who you wish to be, consciously or not.

You need to understand that for your relationship to not only “function,” but to thrive and grow with a healthy sense of fulfillment, you and your partner need to both be strong individuals.

Strong women and strong men form strong relationships.

Yes, there will be phases where one of you takes the lead as the stronger person while the other is struggling, and vice-versa, this is normal and natural, as are the dynamics of life. But the overall relationship balance is of two strong people supporting each other, growing individually and together, and progressively working together to build a strong bond throughout their shared experience.

Unfortunately, our society keeps us simplified and stereotyped in a constant battle where men are the patriarchswho only want to suppress women and exploit them in various ways as the weaker sex. And because this has been embedded in our culture as the traditional way of thinking for most of history, men now need to be put in their place. It’s time for women to take over and even out the playing field. In other words, revenge and spite.

Men and women are now in a nonstop entanglement of war where no one can win.

And with relationships, it’s about balance – two individuals doing their part to keep it strong and healthy.

If one partner is determined to rule and overpower the other, there is no real balance and the relationship is doomed to fail.

We need strong men, real men, and strong women, real women, to build and maintain real bonds with each other for strong relationships to thrive. A relationship should never be about sacrificing one’s individual power for the other, or lowering oneself for the relationship to exist. That’s more of a codependency than a relationship.

Both individuals must continue to grow, develop and maintain their inner power. And with their bond together, agree to share their personal power with each other which is a combined power that is their RELATIONSHIP.

If you enter into a relationship with this mindset, you’ll find it much more fulfilling to you and your partner, where you are mutually agreeing to work toward this, the greater whole for both of you. To strive to be your best selves, and share your best with each other – rather than the typical surface agreement of monogamy, commitment, and a general “promise to love.”

In a strong relationship, you and your partner continue to grow stronger – TOGETHER. And a strong couple is able to face the world and its challenges together as a collective whole, rather than going it alone.

What is a strong man? What is a strong woman?

A strong man is connected to his masculinity. He is principled and knows what it means to be a man. He stays true to his virtues and values, and will stand up for himself and his loved ones in the face of wrongfulness.

A strong woman is rooted in her femininity. She is confident and comfortable in her womanhood. She is caring, naturally nurturing, strong in her principles and will protect the health of her family and loved ones. The power of the feminine may appear to be more subtle than masculine power, but this is like comparing water to fire. Each is vastly powerful and not to be underestimated or undervalued.

Over the course of the last decades, I’ve worked with thousands of women and men to reconnect to their individual power. Dismantling the narrative of modern society that continually attempts to divide men and women and keep us at war with each other. To disconnect us from our real power, our masculinity and our femininity, is to truly defeat us at our core. For survival, this is key to understanding the importance of preserving and strengthening our individual powers as men and women.

It’s in your hands to decide what your future relationship will be.

By embracing your natural masculinity or femininity, you empower yourself and your partner to share a life together as your best selves. And this is what healthy, strong and fulfilling relationships are made of.

Is it a journey? Absolutely. One we must stay strong and in our individual power to maintain, and to share. To learn more about our upcoming events and programs, join our email list by clicking here.

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The Anti-Relationship of Codependency

Strong relationships require strong individuals.

Strong women and strong men, together, form strong relationships.

You cannot rely on your partner to make you happy, to take care of your every need. Furthermore, you are not solely responsible for your partner’s happiness. You cannot bear every burden for your partner and you cannot sacrifice your own happiness for what you believe a relationship to be.

You might say: “But this is what love is all about.”

To which I would respond: “Actually, this is what codependency is all about.”

If you sacrifice your personal life and all of your own individual needs for your partner, with the expectancy that this will make the relationship stronger and more “real,” you are not being realistic or fair to yourself or your partner. It is actually selfish and controlling to single handedly take everything upon yourself with the notion that it’s all for your partner, for the relationship.

Relationships are about sharing, understanding, and communicating with transparency. With both people working together to create the bond and share the relationship in a balanced way, as equally as possible.

Codependency, on the contrary, is more often characterized by one-sidedness, relationship addiction/attachment, fear of abandonment and self-detachment. Often with deep roots in shame, guilt, unawareness, and abuse.

Codependency is not love. It’s not healthy. It’s damaging to both people in the end.

So, why do people stay in unhealthy, codependent relationships?

Why don’t they communicate properly?

Why don’t they express their wants and their needs?

The short answer is: low self-esteem.

Codependent relationships often stem from a person who believes they need someone else to complete them. That life is not meaningful without a significant other.

This is a skewed view of what life is, and what the value of what a true loving relationship can be. A person must value themselves and learn to love themselves before they can truly love another and share a healthy, balanced relationship.

A person with low self-esteem may find themself in a relationship where they do not have the confidence to ask for what they want from their partner. They may feel unworthy to the point of incapable of this type of communication.

As a codependent, you might think: “no one will listen to me anyway. It doesn’t matter what I want.” Or “I don’t want to offend anyone by asking for something.”

Or, the type of codependent who doesn’t feel worthy unless they’re constantly “proving” themselves as a valuable partner – may think to themselves: “I wish my partner understood how much I give them. I hope they know how much I love them, and hope they recognize everything I do for them.”

This is clearly unfair to the partner of the codependent as they are typically in the dark here, not having much insight as to what their partner is thinking or feeling. This can be a breeding ground for miscommunication, self pity, displaced anger and deep resentment.

The hard lesson is, you cannot change your partner. You can only change yourself. And this is where you, as a codependent, need to focus your awareness and energy.

To be able to connect to your partner in a meaningful way and create a strong and nurturing relationship, you need to start building up your self-esteem. Start holding yourself accountable for how you treat yourself in a relationship and to set clear boundaries.

You need to find your purpose – this will lead you to a place of passion where you can start to reclaim your power and inner strength.

To make yourself the most important person in your life.

This is essential, as any relationship you invest yourself in will serve as a living reflection of the degree in which you love and value yourself.

Only then, when you have come to love yourself and respect your value as an individual, will you be able to build and share meaningful relationships that enrich your life. For you can never depend on someone else to make you happy and whole. It begins with you, and only you.

Start today by learning to build a healthy relationship with yourself.

We can help.

Contact us at [email protected] to learn more.