Tag: self-esteem

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The Cure for Imposter Syndrome

Searching the web, you will find an abundance of articles about imposter syndrome. Various attempts to define what it is exactly, and more importantly, what causes it and how to cope with it.

Like other mental health conditions that vary in degree of seriousness such as depression or anxiety, there is no absolute cure for imposter syndrome. Nothing in modern medicine or psychology will enable you to completely rid yourself of it. Much of it being an internal battle, the ability to cope with it, and ideally, disallowing it from hindering life, is very much up to the individual. There is no one size fits all.

WHAT IS IMPOSTER SYNDROME AND HOW DO I KNOW IF I HAVE IT?

Imposter syndrome can be defined as a deep feeling of inadequacy, of “never being good enough.” Many have described it as constantly feeling like a phony or a fraud. This can apply to various situations and aspects of life. For instance, someone with IS may feel they are unworthy of a promotion at their job, unsuited to receive a higher salary, undeserving of relationships with people that are “better” than them. And this can range from personal life to professional life which it is quite common to affect both.

People suffering from IS are often living in a state of constant anxiety. They truly believe they are not competent as others believe them to be, even when there is encouragement around them and plenty of proof of their competence.

THE OVERBEARING FEAR OF BEING EXPOSED AS A FRAUD IS ALWAYS LOOMING.

A common trait of someone with imposter syndrome is to overwork, obsessively, to try and compensate for their internal inadequacy. They are typically “workaholics” who are never completely finished or happy with their work. They tend to fixate on flaws, disguise it as perfectionism, and won’t allow themselves to ask for help out of fear of appearing weak or incompetent. There is a constant need to compare themselves, or their work, to others, which is never good enough, further “proving” their inferiority and unworthiness. The internal voice repeating “You’re not ready. You have a lot more to prove. They are way better than you are at this. Do you really think you’re good enough?” And on and on the pathological inner critic continues.

Modern psychology claims the causes for these symptoms to be your personality, your upbringing, a change of work environment or social anxiety. While none of this is inherently wrong, the root cause of imposter syndrome is commonly much deeper.

HOW IMPOSTER SYNDROME AFFECTS YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Imposter syndrome is, at its core, a manifestation of real self-doubt, deep fears of inadequacy, and truly negative core beliefs. The dominant feeling of never being worthy will not allow the functional space for healthy experiences of love, gratitude, attention or presence to live and flourish. As a result, any potential for a substantial relationship is sabotaged. This goes for friendships, romantic relationships and business relationships.

There simply is no room for real relationships as long as imposter syndrome is thriving.

At the heart of it, imposter syndrome is the controlling and maniacal inner-voice of extremely low self-esteem. It is the painfully harsh living proof of how low self-value and lack of self-worth can limit a person’s life experience. To live with IS unchecked, is to live inhibited and as a victim of self-driven fear.

As noted above, there is no direct cure for imposter syndrome. But this does not mean it can’t be unlearned and avoided.

To overcome imposter syndrome, it requires real self-analysis. Reflecting on and directly facing your inner fears, doubts, and traumas. It’s about identifying these individual pain points and understanding them, so you can learn what triggers them and start to prevent them from triggering you into your smallness of IS and all of its fears and doubts.

This is the first step forward. Once you begin to make peace with these internal issues that are blocking you from growing, you can then start to clear the way for your true self to shine through.

THE IMPOSTER CANNOT SURVIVE THE REAL YOU. 

Taking the necessary steps to LIVE your life’s purpose with intention, vision and, in turn, your self-empowerment – this is the true “cure” for imposter syndrome.

Check out our programs page to learn more about our SELF-EMPOWERMENT THROUGH PURPOSE program. Fill out the brief assessment to see if this program is a good fit for you.

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Have relationships lost their value?

Have relationships lost their value?

And are we better off without?

With current divorce rates higher than ever, people becoming more and more non-committal, our friendships resorted to a text or a social media “like,” and the majority of online dating now being gamified to the point of casual sex at best.

This seems to be the direction we’re going if we haven’t already arrived.

REAL RELATIONSHIPS TAKE EFFORT

Is this the problem? Does the reward outweigh the work?

It takes real effort to build substantial relationships. You need to fully participate and actually put yourself out there. You need to share yourself. What you think, feel, observe, listen to, watch, what makes you tick – all of this is important.
And sharing it with those you care about, or seek to build a connection with, is part of the exchange. It requires honesty and vulnerability. Sure, it may be easier and more comfortable to type out your feelings and thoughts, edit them to perfection, and then send them off via text to your friend, or your potential love interest. And this is everyday communication. But to build a deeper bond, a meaningful connection with someone, you must allow yourself to BE. To be YOURSELF. And to be ok with sharing your real thoughts and feelings, in real time, with another individual while they share theirs with you.

There is a true magic and invaluable beauty that shines through these moments of genuine sharing. A strong force of energy and chemistry can spark between two people during the experience. This is what we hope to find when putting ourselves out there with a potential partner, as well as with friends and associates.

By doing so, however, you are making yourself vulnerable which can be scary in that you may be faced with a situation that brings up your insecurities and self-doubts. It may trigger a fear of being inadequate. Of not being good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, funny enough, strong enough, etc. Not enough – period. The fear of possibly being uninteresting to them, a turn off, or simply not being worth their time or company.

This can be frightening if you’re not in a balanced emotional state or mindset.

But the truth is, to build any meaningful connection with anyone, you need to be yourself. You need to be honest and present with yourself and the other person. It is an energy exchange that requires truth and attention.

The more you give, if the connection is right and genuine, the more you will receive.

And even if it happens to be a mismatch. A person that you just don’t click with or end up sharing a connection with that you desire. By you being your true and honest self, this will more quickly determine the outcome. The more you approach any potential relationship as yourself, the more you strip away much of the unnecessary “acting” and deciphering what’s real and what’s not. This helps you both in getting to the point of whether you actually want to build something with this person or not, and vice-versa.

There may be moments of discomfort in this but it’s much better and requires much less time and energy than putting on an act of “your best self” until you can’t any longer, only to discover that you aren’t even interested in pursuing a potential relationship with this person.

HOW CAN YOU CONNECT WITH ANOTHER PERSON IF YOU’RE RARELY CONNECTED WITH YOURSELF?

Presence is everything, and many people are anywhere and everywhere but here and now. Our fast-paced rush culture and omnipresent virtual lifestyle makes it harder for us to stay connected to ourselves. We’re rushing from one place to the other, from one relationship to the next, with no time to reflect on us, on what we truly want and need.

The deeper the disconnect with yourself, the harder it is to connect to other people.

Connecting with yourself isn’t easy and shouldn’t be put on the backburner as something you’ll do when you can spare some time. It takes consistent effort and honest work. It means self-examining, facing your fears, doubts, insecurities and imperfections. Analyzing your life, past and present, to help enrich your current relationship with you, as well as with others.

Without this inner presence of being connected to your true self, your ability to build and sustain any substantial relationships will be limited at best. This applies to romantic relationships, friendships, as well as business relations.

If you want to discover how to actively build more meaningful relationships in the future and strengthen your existing ones, visit our program section and see if it’s the right fit for you.

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There is no “Us” in Isolation

Why are we more isolated than ever? Is it by choice?

Even prior to the 2020 pandemic, our level of isolation and distance from each other has been the norm for some time now. Is it social media? Internet culture? Streaming services?

ARE WE HAPPIER AT A SOCIAL DISTANCE?

With people living virtually and vicariously through a screen, the “need” to actually connect with others in real life has taken a downturn.

Where has this led us to?

According to the stats – plenty of suffering.

From deep loneliness and depression, to social anxiety and panic, to excessive drug and alcohol consumption, to complete emotional disconnect and apathy, to increased suicide rates. It’s all of this, and then some. 

ISOLATION IS THE NEW NORM.

How can it be that you can feel completely alone in a roomful of “friends”? Why are we indifferent to connecting and committing to other people in real life? And does it matter?

By nature, we are social beings. We have an innate need to connect with our fellow individuals. Even the most introverted of us have an inner need to connect, to relate with others, so be it, a select few. Personal connection and relationships are crucial to our well-being. Our individual health is rooted in our ability to connect with others and form balanced, meaningful relationships. This is why we begin socializing children even before they can speak coherently. The importance of sharing, relating with one another and connecting is essential to our growth. And this doesn’t stop in adulthood.

As adults, some of us may not make an effort to meet as many new people or be as social as we once were, but the need to relate and connect with each other is just as important nevertheless. The hazard of isolation is that there can be such a thing as too much time alone. This can lead us to essentially live inside our minds, our own personal bubble, and lose a sense of reality outside of this space. On the other hand, there is also a danger in spending too much time socializing and not enough time in seclusion whereas one may lose themselves, their own thoughts and energy, in the act of exhausting it with others.

ISOLATION AND TIME TO SELF-REFLECT IS IMPORTANT, BUT THERE MUST BE A BALANCE OF BOTH – TIME TO SECLUDE, AND TIME TO SOCIALIZE.

It is fairly typical for us, especially as adults, to struggle with this balance which inadvertently affects our relationships. In this time of collective isolation, it is important that we stay cognisant of this and make an active effort to maintain our ability to connect with others, as well as nurture our existing relationships.

If this is something you are currently experiencing, visit our program page under RELATIONSHIP BUILDING + CORE VIRTUES. We have an immersive section that deals with the balance of self maintenance and relationship building with many core principles around this that are sensible and practical in applying to your life.

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Masculine Power vs. Feminine Power

At their core, masculine power is very different from feminine power.

However, society will lead us to believe there is only one kind of power – the masculine. In a historical leadership context, this may hold truth as the majority of leaders have indeed been men. The interpretation here could be that a woman must learn to become strong like a man, or masculine, to succeed, to lead, to be taken seriously in life, and to become powerful.

The opposite is actually true. Our image of what being masculine or feminine is, has become distorted by false imagery and agenda driven propaganda to the point of mass confusion. It’s understandable that our perception is unclear as to what masculine power and feminine power is and how they differ, but this doesn’t make it acceptable.

Our stereotypical viewpoint of being feminine as a woman, for example, is associated with being submissive, timid, weak, conditioned to be nice, tame and proper.

On the contrary, the real strength of a woman lies in her feminine power which is completely disarming through grace, composure, and strong will.

A feminine woman is independent and strong, connected to her truth, relaxed in her being, and confident in her purpose.

She knows her self-worth, is unwavering in her word and follows her immutable intuition to help lead her through her life’s path.

A man that is connected to his masculine power has a strong sense of his reality, stands behind his principles, and has a clear purpose in life.

He knows his path and will follow his purpose, with or without a crowd to support him. He is a true alpha. A leader of his own destiny.

A domineering man, on the other hand, is almost the exact opposite of a true alpha. He is insecure and disconnected from his true source of power, therefore he needs a crowd of others around him for constant support, ego boosts, and he typically insults others to feel superior. This energy is destructive and in no way reflects authentic masculine power.

One way to test and measure the levels of authentic masculine power and feminine power is to observe one’s romantic relationship. If the woman plays more of the dominant role in the relationship, there is a good chance of imbalance whereas she is stripping her man of his masculine power, thus leading him to be the submissive one in the relationship. The roles are reversed in terms of a traditional dynamic where the man is generally the dominant and the woman is the submissive.

The same applies for men who give away all of their power in their relationship. If the man is constantly trying to appease his woman, putting her and her needs above his own, and making her the center of his entire life, he’s living in a codependent energy. He’s playing the feminine which puts her in position to lead as the masculine energy in the relationship.

To be clear about the above examples, there is naturally a varying balance between both. It’s rare in any substantial relationship where one completely dominates and the other completely submits in every aspect of their relationship. The examples are to help differentiate between true masculine power and authentic feminine power.

In conclusion, no one in either scenario is connected to their own inherent power, masculine or feminine. Relationships like these are operating from an unnatural root and most commonly fail and destruct quickly, or only sustain to become codependent or abusive.

If you want to connect to your personal power and live in your greater purpose – men, you must learn to connect to your masculine energy – and women, you must learn to connect to your feminine energy. It’s inherent and it’s imperative.

THERE IS NOTHING EVOLVED OR PROGRESSIVE ABOUT DISMISSING YOUR MASCULINE OR FEMININE POWER.

Learn to embrace it, nurture, and share it with your loved ones and the world around you. Start living life as your true, authentic self.

Contact us today to learn more about our programs on Masculine Power and Feminine Power. Email [email protected] and type “Masculine Power” and/or “Feminine Power” in the subject line.

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Are feminine women weak?

Masculinity and femininity are both stigmatized in our culture. Masculinity in men is largely characterized as being toxic and domineering, while femininity in women is synonymous with being submissive, weak and dependent. In other words, women can easily be viewed as secondary in our patriarchal society.

But are feminine women truly weak? Are they deemed less “powerful” than men by way of birth?

As ridiculous as this may sound, in many ways it is what our social programming and cultural conditioning teaches us from a young age on through adulthood.

With the toxic masculinity narrative that is now mainstream and fully embedded into our language and acceptance, this can be seen as a way to soften and tame men, shaming them from their inherent masculine power.

If this is the case with masculinity and where we’ve allowed it to devolve to, where does this leave women in regard to femininity?

ARE WOMEN  REALLY CONNECTED TO THEIR TRUE AUTHENTIC POWER IN OUR SOCIETY?

In modern times, a woman who looks up to her husband and is the essential “follower” in their relationship is frowned upon in society. She’s secondary, an assistant to the “man in charge.” Someone you do not take seriously.

On the contrary however, for a relationship to work, there must be a follower and a leader. In a healthy relationship, this dynamic often varies and shifts per the responsibilities of the relationship. For instance, the husband may lead he and his wife toward their financial responsibilities and goals, while the wife may lead the way of their family and child rearing decisions.

Does this mean the “follower” in the relationship is powerless, or inferior? Not at all, it’s quite the opposite.

As an analogy, if you look at couple dance, specifically ballroom dance, you’ll quickly see that it takes both people to play their parts for the dance to be harmonious. It’s an act of true partnership as both parts are equally important. Without one, the other would not exist.

The same principle is valid for relationships. There cannot be leaders alone. Leaders need followers in order for things to progress. Leadership and followership are very much parallel in the way of the femininity and masculinity dynamic. And beyond romantic relationships, much of this can be applied to friendships and business relationships as well.

IN THE FLOW OF NATURE, MASCULINITY AND FEMININITY BALANCE EACH OTHER. WE NEED BOTH.

Learn more about our Feminine Power and/or Masculine Power programs by reaching out to us via email at [email protected]

Write “FEMININE / MASCULINE” in the subject line.

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Masculinity doesn’t happen on its own

Part of the hero’s journey is to live for a greater purpose than ourselves. For men, pertaining to masculinity, this involves sacrificing our boyish ways and our self-serving desires to create space for our greater selves to grow and thrive. This is what we refer to as our MASCULINE POWER, our nature-given strength and energy, meant to serve, not only our immediate circle (family, friends, etc.), but also in a universal sense, to contribute to the greater whole as a member of society.

MASCULINITY IS ESSENTIAL TO THE BALANCE OF OUR HUMAN EXISTENCE.

In our current times and for decades now, masculinity has been tainted and is at deep risk of being lost completely through stigmatization and consistent propagandized demonization, primarily by the left. The term “toxic masculinity” has been coded into our language and cultural mindset so deeply mainstream that now, a man that shows any sign of masculinity is mocked and/or dismissed as being “toxic.” This puts our men in fear and in a state of shame for just being MEN.

This is very dangerous and, in a strategic power play, can be seen as a global weapon being used to dismantle our country’s power and to ultimately destroy our society by knocking us completely out of our natural balance. As they say, it starts at home.

If our boys are not being taught or initiated into manhood, and are actually being discouraged from it, where will this leave our men?

To learn more about how to embrace, nurture and support masculinity, for yourself or for someone you know, contact us here ([email protected]) and type the word ‘MASCULINE’ in the subject line. Someone will reach you shortly.

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Imprisoned By Anxiety, Overpower Your Fear

The world is a dangerous place and life always ends deadly.
“Memento mori”

Living in western society we have been fairly sheltered from many of the dangers and cruelties of the world around us. But throughout the pandemic and in light of recent events, there is a collective anxiety growing among us. This is the inevitable impact of any war and/or event of mass violence.

Feelings of anxiety, panic, and fear creep into our lives, into our thoughts and into our souls. We’re looking at these events unfolding, in shock and helpless, unable to “do something about it.” Humans watching other humans in pain, violence, and death breeds an enormous amount of fear and reaction within us.

Real threats to the peace and freedoms that many of us take for granted in the west are becoming more and more commonplace as we’re watching, transfixed, seeing the world as we know it, fall apart.

Is it not normal to be afraid in a situation like this?
Afraid for your loved ones, for your future, for your country?

Fear is a natural reaction to a situation like the one we’re witnessing right now. But we need to be very careful not to be consumed by it.

“Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.“ – Frank Herbert, Dune

Yes, fear as a reaction is natural – but at what cost?

Fear can render you unable to think clearly. It has the power to dampen your inner fire, and rob you of your passion and purpose.

Uncontrolled fear can completely imprison you.

To continue to function in times of inner and outer crisis you need to stay connected with your inner self. Preserving a strong foundation within yourself is essential. You NEED your inner fire, your passion to stay in control and to claim your power over your own life. This is survival.

In fearful times, your self-esteem is your armor, your protection. It keeps you in control and able to stay aware of your surroundings while NOT being consumed by them.

A person with healthy self-esteem has an appropriate understanding of life. To the challenges life throws at them. The unpredictable and the dangerous.
Are they afraid? Yes. But they are prepared to keep moving forward, past their fears. They can navigate through the challenges of life without being controlled by the panic of anxiety or by the darkness of depression.

Breaking the habit of fear and anxiety is complicated, and many people cannot do it without a mentor or a strong support system.

I’ve personally been down this road in my life many times, consumed by darkness, losing control of my life to fear and anxiety. 

I’ve lost relationships, friends, money, career positions, everything. I’ve seen war and destruction. And I was able to pull myself through, continually growing stronger than before. Each loss was a lesson. And if I could do it, you can absolutely do it.

Sometimes the only way out of a situation is through it.

Many of us just need some guidance and the right tools to help us overpower the real life enemy of inner fear and anxiety. If you are ready for this journey, I can help.

Let’s work together.
Contact me at [email protected] with the subject line: FEEL DIFFERENT

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Strong Relationships Require Strong Individuals

Observing relationships in today’s society, you’ll notice a common theme: a lack of fulfillment and true happiness. Breakups and separations are everyday, and divorce rates continue to skyrocket.

With a simple online search, you’ll find tons of relationship advice and tips on how to improve your relationship. But the real issues are not being addressed.

It’s rarely about what you do or don’t do, or how you treat your partner.

Your actions and thoughts are mere symptoms of much deeper issues.

It’s about who you are and who you wish to be, consciously or not.

You need to understand that for your relationship to not only “function,” but to thrive and grow with a healthy sense of fulfillment, you and your partner need to both be strong individuals.

Strong women and strong men form strong relationships.

Yes, there will be phases where one of you takes the lead as the stronger person while the other is struggling, and vice-versa, this is normal and natural, as are the dynamics of life. But the overall relationship balance is of two strong people supporting each other, growing individually and together, and progressively working together to build a strong bond throughout their shared experience.

Unfortunately, our society keeps us simplified and stereotyped in a constant battle where men are the patriarchswho only want to suppress women and exploit them in various ways as the weaker sex. And because this has been embedded in our culture as the traditional way of thinking for most of history, men now need to be put in their place. It’s time for women to take over and even out the playing field. In other words, revenge and spite.

Men and women are now in a nonstop entanglement of war where no one can win.

And with relationships, it’s about balance – two individuals doing their part to keep it strong and healthy.

If one partner is determined to rule and overpower the other, there is no real balance and the relationship is doomed to fail.

We need strong men, real men, and strong women, real women, to build and maintain real bonds with each other for strong relationships to thrive. A relationship should never be about sacrificing one’s individual power for the other, or lowering oneself for the relationship to exist. That’s more of a codependency than a relationship.

Both individuals must continue to grow, develop and maintain their inner power. And with their bond together, agree to share their personal power with each other which is a combined power that is their RELATIONSHIP.

If you enter into a relationship with this mindset, you’ll find it much more fulfilling to you and your partner, where you are mutually agreeing to work toward this, the greater whole for both of you. To strive to be your best selves, and share your best with each other – rather than the typical surface agreement of monogamy, commitment, and a general “promise to love.”

In a strong relationship, you and your partner continue to grow stronger – TOGETHER. And a strong couple is able to face the world and its challenges together as a collective whole, rather than going it alone.

What is a strong man? What is a strong woman?

A strong man is connected to his masculinity. He is principled and knows what it means to be a man. He stays true to his virtues and values, and will stand up for himself and his loved ones in the face of wrongfulness.

A strong woman is rooted in her femininity. She is confident and comfortable in her womanhood. She is caring, naturally nurturing, strong in her principles and will protect the health of her family and loved ones. The power of the feminine may appear to be more subtle than masculine power, but this is like comparing water to fire. Each is vastly powerful and not to be underestimated or undervalued.

Over the course of the last decades, I’ve worked with thousands of women and men to reconnect to their individual power. Dismantling the narrative of modern society that continually attempts to divide men and women and keep us at war with each other. To disconnect us from our real power, our masculinity and our femininity, is to truly defeat us at our core. For survival, this is key to understanding the importance of preserving and strengthening our individual powers as men and women.

It’s in your hands to decide what your future relationship will be.

By embracing your natural masculinity or femininity, you empower yourself and your partner to share a life together as your best selves. And this is what healthy, strong and fulfilling relationships are made of.

Is it a journey? Absolutely. One we must stay strong and in our individual power to maintain, and to share. To learn more about our upcoming events and programs, join our email list by clicking here.

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Unlearn Your Way to Your Purpose

Independent thought is the one thing we are taught to unlearn in the current education system.

This systematic unlearning of individuality and critical thinking has been institutionalized in our schools for decades and the massive impact on our children’s lives, particularly on their mental health and self-esteem, is undeniable.

More kids than ever before are being (mis)diagnosed with ADHD, learning disorders, depression, and anxiety, and are being prescribed a number of medications for these so-called illnesses that are oftentimes, an indirect remedy for taming a child that is “out of line” with the rest of their class.

When a child speaks up, questions what they may not believe as fact, or just stands out as someone with disobedient behavior, the school system is quick to punish and will typically report this to their parents as a problem that should be tended to.

The lesson here to young people: Don’t get out of line. Don’t ask questions. Don’t act out. Curb your curiosity and inquisitiveness. Just listen and learn. Or else.

This seems to be a common theme in modern times. As we do not only see this in the education system but also regarding the current Covid-19 pandemic.

Just be “normal” and comply.
And if it doesn’t fit, force it.

This approach not only shuts down our children’s healthy curiosity and individuality. It also tells them their passion and search for their purpose, is abnormal, an illness that needs to be cured. It teaches kids that their inner fire is dangerous and needs to be contained and extinguished to prevent it from growing.

If you step out of the line, there must be something wrong with you. If you can’t concentrate or sit still like “the rest”, there is something wrong with you. If you could just be like everyone else, you’d be ok. So, it must be you who is wrong. You are the problem. And we need to fix it.

This is how a deep and fundamental fear of “not being good enough” is instilled in you, your children, and their friends. Self-doubt and a fundamental mistrust in yourself are weaved deep inside your mind and spirit.

And this is the norm. A perfect breeding ground for anxiety and low self-esteem to thrive.

These issues can become deeply embedded in us, and for many, reflect negatively throughout each aspect of our lives. The impact of how we face, or don’t face challenges in our relationships and/or in our professional lives. This lack of self-esteem and individuality can determine how much or how little we actually control our own story in this life.

If you let the system overrun your life, if you allow it to instill the thought of wrongfulness in your children, how can you have any authority over your own path? How can you truthfully honor and serve your own life’s purpose, and even more, teach your children to live theirs?

Thinking for ourselves is one of our highest fundamental powers that no institution, person, or authority should have control over. It’s an individual, human right.

Nourishing a healthy curiosity and passion for your life is vital for your mental health and the mental health of your children.

In my introductory e-book “Lose Your Story, Live Your Life” I touch upon many points that will help you to start unlearning these patterns of self-denial. You’ll find practical points of guidance that you can implement now into your daily life to begin understanding and reclaiming your own personal power, your innate passion, and your individual purpose in life.

Click here to claim your free copy now.

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The Anti-Relationship of Codependency

Strong relationships require strong individuals.

Strong women and strong men, together, form strong relationships.

You cannot rely on your partner to make you happy, to take care of your every need. Furthermore, you are not solely responsible for your partner’s happiness. You cannot bear every burden for your partner and you cannot sacrifice your own happiness for what you believe a relationship to be.

You might say: “But this is what love is all about.”

To which I would respond: “Actually, this is what codependency is all about.”

If you sacrifice your personal life and all of your own individual needs for your partner, with the expectancy that this will make the relationship stronger and more “real,” you are not being realistic or fair to yourself or your partner. It is actually selfish and controlling to single handedly take everything upon yourself with the notion that it’s all for your partner, for the relationship.

Relationships are about sharing, understanding, and communicating with transparency. With both people working together to create the bond and share the relationship in a balanced way, as equally as possible.

Codependency, on the contrary, is more often characterized by one-sidedness, relationship addiction/attachment, fear of abandonment and self-detachment. Often with deep roots in shame, guilt, unawareness, and abuse.

Codependency is not love. It’s not healthy. It’s damaging to both people in the end.

So, why do people stay in unhealthy, codependent relationships?

Why don’t they communicate properly?

Why don’t they express their wants and their needs?

The short answer is: low self-esteem.

Codependent relationships often stem from a person who believes they need someone else to complete them. That life is not meaningful without a significant other.

This is a skewed view of what life is, and what the value of what a true loving relationship can be. A person must value themselves and learn to love themselves before they can truly love another and share a healthy, balanced relationship.

A person with low self-esteem may find themself in a relationship where they do not have the confidence to ask for what they want from their partner. They may feel unworthy to the point of incapable of this type of communication.

As a codependent, you might think: “no one will listen to me anyway. It doesn’t matter what I want.” Or “I don’t want to offend anyone by asking for something.”

Or, the type of codependent who doesn’t feel worthy unless they’re constantly “proving” themselves as a valuable partner – may think to themselves: “I wish my partner understood how much I give them. I hope they know how much I love them, and hope they recognize everything I do for them.”

This is clearly unfair to the partner of the codependent as they are typically in the dark here, not having much insight as to what their partner is thinking or feeling. This can be a breeding ground for miscommunication, self pity, displaced anger and deep resentment.

The hard lesson is, you cannot change your partner. You can only change yourself. And this is where you, as a codependent, need to focus your awareness and energy.

To be able to connect to your partner in a meaningful way and create a strong and nurturing relationship, you need to start building up your self-esteem. Start holding yourself accountable for how you treat yourself in a relationship and to set clear boundaries.

You need to find your purpose – this will lead you to a place of passion where you can start to reclaim your power and inner strength.

To make yourself the most important person in your life.

This is essential, as any relationship you invest yourself in will serve as a living reflection of the degree in which you love and value yourself.

Only then, when you have come to love yourself and respect your value as an individual, will you be able to build and share meaningful relationships that enrich your life. For you can never depend on someone else to make you happy and whole. It begins with you, and only you.

Start today by learning to build a healthy relationship with yourself.

We can help.

Contact us at [email protected] to learn more.